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96
The Inventions of the Idiot
·
John Kendrick Bangs
6
"Thank
you,"
said
the
Idiot,
suavely.
"But
I
don't
wish
to
overburden
the
kind
ladies
to
whom
I
refer.
If
my
costumes
could
be
looked
after
I
might
find
time
to
look
after
my
customs,
and,
I
assure
you,
Mr.
Pedagog,
if
at
any
time
you
will
undertake
to
deliver
a
course
of
lectures
on
Etiquette,
I
will
gladly
subscribe
for
two
orchestra-chairs
and
endeavor
to
occupy
both
of
them.
At
any
rate,
to
return
to
the
main
point,
I
claim
that
the
world
would
be
happier
and
brighter
and
less
sinful
if
the
domestic
heathen
were
kept
mended
by
such
a
guild,
and
I
challenge
any
one
here
to
deny,
even
on
so
slight
a
basis
as
the
loose
suspender-button,
the
truth
of
what
I
say.
When
I
arise
in
the
morning
and
find
a
button
gone,
do
I
make
genial
remarks
about
the
joys
of
life?
I
do
not.
I
use
words.
Sometimes
one
word,
which
need
not
be
repeated
here.
I
am
unhappy,
and,
being
unhappy,
the
world
seems
dark
and
dreary,
and
in
speaking
impatiently,
though
very
much
to
the
point,
as
I
do,
I
am
guilty
of
an
offence
that
is
sinful.
With
such
a
start
in
the
morning,
I
come
here
to
the
table.
Mr.
Pedagog
sees
that
I
am
not
quite
myself.
He
asks
me
if
I
am
not
feeling
well,
an
irritating
question
at
any
time,
but
particularly
so
to
a
man
with
a
suspender-button
gone.
I
retort.
He
re-retorts,
until
our
converse
is
warmer
than
the
coffee,
and
our
relations
colder
than
the
waffles.
Finally
I
leave
the
house,
slamming
the
door
behind
me,
structurally
weakening
the
house,
and
go
to
business,
where
I
wreak
my
vengeance
upon
the
second
clerk,
who
takes
it
out
of
the
office-boy,
who
goes
home
and
vents
his
wrath
on
his
little
sister,
who,
goaded
into
recklessness,
teases
the
baby
until
he
yells
and
gets
spanked
by
his
mother
for
being
noisy.
Now,
why
should
a
loose
suspender-button
be
allowed
to
subject
that
baby
to
such
humiliation,
and
who
can
deny
that,
if
it
had
been
properly
sewed
on
by
a
guild,
such
as
I
have
mentioned,
the
baby
never
would
have
been
spanked
for
the
causes
mentioned?
What
is
your
answer,
Mr.
Whitechoker?"
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