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96
The Inventions of the Idiot
·
John Kendrick Bangs
67
"Very
simple,"
said
Mr.
Pedagog.
"Though
I
should
have
used
a
synonym
of
simple
to
describe
it.
It's
idiotic."
"That's
what
people
said
of
Columbus's
idea
that
he
could
discover
America,"
said
the
Idiot.
"Everything
that
doesn't
have
dollars
slathered
all
over
it
in
plain
view
is
idiotic."
"The
word
slathered
is
new
to
me,"
said
the
School-master;
"but
I
fancy
I
know
what
you
mean."
"The
word
slathered
may
be
new
to
you,"
said
the
Idiot,
"but
it
is
a
good
word.
I
have
used
it
with
great
effect
several
times.
Whenever
any
one
asks
me
that
foolish
question
that
is
asked
so
often,
'What
is
the
good
word?'
I
always
reply
'Slathered,'
and
the
what's-the-good-word
fiend
goes
off
hurt
in
his
mind.
He
doesn't
know
what
I
mean
any
more
than
I
do,
but
it
shuts
him
up
completely,
which
is
just
so
much
gained."
"I
must
confess,"
said
the
Poet,
"that
I
cannot
myself
see
where
there
is
any
money
for
your
Rhyme
Clearing-house.
Ordinarily
I
quite
approve
of
your
schemes,
but
in
this
instance
I
go
over
to
the
enemy."
"I
don't
say
that
it
is
a
gold-mine,"
said
the
Idiot.
"I
doubt
if
I
had
every
cent
that
is
paid
for
poetry
in
a
year
by
everybody
to
everybody
that
my
income
would
reach
one
hundredth
part
of
what
I'd
receive
as
a
successful
manufacturer
of
soap;
but
there
would
be
more
money
in
poetry
than
there
is
if
by
some
pooling
of
our
issues
we
could
corner
the
market.
Suppose
every
writer
of
a
quatrain
in
America
should
send
his
whole
product
to
us.
We
could
say
to
the
magazines,
'Gentlemen,
quatrains
are
not
quatraining
as
hard
as
they
were.
If
you
need
a
four-line
bit
of
gloom
and
rhyme
to
finish
off
your
thirty-second
page,
our
price
is
twenty-five
dollars
instead
of
seventy-five
cents,
as
of
yore.'
So
with
all
other
kinds
of
verse.
We'd
simply
name
our
figure,
force
the
editors
to
accept
it,
and
unload.
We
might
get
caught
on
the
last
thirty
or
forty
thousand,
but
our
profits
on
the
others
would
enable
us
to
more
than
meet
the
losses."
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