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1
96
The Inventions of the Idiot
·
John Kendrick Bangs
69
"You
would
have
a
loan
department,
eh?"
said
Mr.
Pedagog.
"That
would
be
popular,"
said
the
Poet;
"but
there
again
I
dispute
the
profit.
You
could
find
plenty
of
poets
who
would
borrow
your
funds,
but
I
doubt
the
security
of
the
loans."
"All
of
your
objections
are
based
on
misconceptions,"
said
the
Idiot.
"The
loan
department
would
not
lend
money.
It
would
lend
poems
for
a
consideration
to
those
who
are
short
and
who
need
them
to
fulfil
their
obligations."
"Who
on
earth
would
want
to
borrow
a
poem,
I'd
like
to
know?"
said
the
Bibliomaniac.
"Lovers,
chiefly,"
said
the
Idiot.
"Never
having
been
a
poet
yourself,
sir,
you
have
no
notion
how
far
the
mere
faculty
of
being
able
to
dash
off
a
sonnet
to
a
lady's
eyebrow
helps
a
man
along
in
ultimately
becoming
the
possessor
of
that
eyebrow,
together
with
the
rest
of
the
lady.
I
have
seen
women
won,
sir,
by
a
rondeau.
In
fact,
I
have
myself
completely
routed
countless
unpoetic
rivals
by
exploding
in
their
ranks
burning
quatrains
to
the
fair
objects
of
our
affections.
With
woman
the
man
who
can
write
a
hymn
of
thanksgiving
that
he
is
permitted
to
gaze
into
her
cerulean
orbs
has
a
great
advantage
over
the
wight
who
has
to
tell
her
she
has
dandy
blue
eyes
in
commonplace
prose.
The
commonplace-prose
wight
knows
it,
too,
and
he'd
pay
ten
per
cent.
of
his
salary
during
courtship
if
he
could
devise
a
plan
by
means
of
which
he
could
pass
himself
off
as
a
poet.
To
meet
this
demand,
our
loan
department
would
be
established.
An
unimaginative
lover
could
come
in
and
describe
the
woman
he
adored;
the
loan
clerk
would
fish
out
a
sonnet
to
fit
the
girl,
and
the
lover
could
borrow
it
for
ten
days,
just
as
brokers
borrow
stock.
Armed
with
this
he
could
go
up
to
Harlem,
or
wherever
else
the
maiden
lived,
and
carry
consternation
into
the
hearts
of
his
rivals
by
spouting
the
sonnet
as
nonchalantly
as
though
he
had
just
thought
of
it.
So
it
would
go
on.
For
the
following
call
he
could
borrow
a
ballad
singing
the
glories
of
her
raven
locks,
likening
them
to
the
beautiful
night,
or,
if
the
locks
were
red
instead
of
black,
to
the
aurora
borealis."
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