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96
The Inventions of the Idiot
·
John Kendrick Bangs
7
"Truly,
I
am
so
breathless
at
your
logic
that
I
cannot
reason,"
said
the
Minister.
"But
haven't
we
digressed
a
little?
We
were
speaking
of
cooks,
and
we
conclude
with
a
pathetic
little
allegory
about
a
suspender-button
and
a
baby
that
is
not
only
teased
but
spanked."
"The
baby
could
get
the
same
spanking
for
reasons
based
on
the
shortcomings
of
the
cooks,"
said
the
Idiot.
"I
am
irritated
when
I
am
served
with
green
pease
hard
enough
to
batter
down
Gibraltar
if
properly
aimed;
when
my
coffee
is
a
warmed-over
reminiscence
of
last
night's
demi-tasse,
I
leave
the
house
in
a
frame
of
mind
that
bodes
ill
for
the
junior
clerk,
and
the
effect
on
the
baby
is
ultimately
the
same."
"And--er--you'd
have
the
ladies
whose
energies
are
now
devoted
towards
the
clothing
of
the
heathen
come
here
and
do
the
cooking?"
queried
the
School-master.
"I
leave
if
they
do,"
said
the
Doctor.
"I
have
seen
too
much
of
the
effects
of
amateur
cookery
in
my
profession
to
want
any
of
it.
They
are
good
cooks
in
theory,
but
not
in
practice."
"There
you
have
it!"
said
the
Idiot,
triumphantly.
"Right
in
a
nutshell.
That's
where
the
cooks
are
always
weak.
They
have
none
of
the
theory
and
all
of
the
practice.
If
they
based
practice
on
theory,
they'd
cook
better.
Wherefore
let
your
theoretical
cooks
seek
out
the
practical
and
instruct
them
in
the
principles
of
the
culinary
art.
Think
of
what
twelve
ladies
could
do;
twelve
ladies
trained
in
the
sewing-circle
to
talk
rapidly,
working
five
hours
a
day
apiece,
could
devote
an
hour
a
week
to
three
hundred
and
sixty
cooks,
and
tell
them
practically
all
they
themselves
know
in
that
time;
and
if,
in
addition
to
this,
twelve
other
ladies,
forming
an
auxiliary
guild,
would
make
dresses
and
bonnets
and
things
for
the
same
cooks,
instead
of
for
the
cannibals,
it
would
keep
them
good-natured."
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