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150
Literary Lapses
·
Stephen Leacock
72
2.
I
have
devoted
some
thought
to
the
proper
method
of
changing
trains.
The
system
which
I
have
observed
to
be
the
most
popular
with
travellers
of
my
own
class,
is
something
as
follows:
Suppose
that
you
have
been
told
on
leaving
New
York
that
you
are
to
change
at
Kansas
City.
The
evening
before
approaching
Kansas
City,
stop
the
conductor
in
the
aisle
of
the
car
(you
can
do
this
best
by
putting
out
your
foot
and
tripping
him),
and
say
politely,
"Do
I
change
at
Kansas
City?"
He
says
"Yes."
Very
good.
Don't
believe
him.
On
going
into
the
dining-car
for
supper,
take
a
negro
aside
and
put
it
to
him
as
a
personal
matter
between
a
white
man
and
a
black,
whether
he
thinks
you
ought
to
change
at
Kansas
City.
Don't
be
satisfied
with
this.
In
the
course
of
the
evening
pass
through
the
entire
train
from
time
to
time,
and
say
to
people
casually,
"Oh,
can
you
tell
me
if
I
change
at
Kansas
City?"
Ask
the
conductor
about
it
a
few
more
times
in
the
evening:
a
repetition
of
the
question
will
ensure
pleasant
relations
with
him.
Before
falling
asleep
watch
for
his
passage
and
ask
him
through
the
curtains
of
your
berth,
"Oh,
by
the
way,
did
you
say
I
changed
at
Kansas
City?"
If
he
refuses
to
stop,
hook
him
by
the
neck
with
your
walking-stick,
and
draw
him
gently
to
your
bedside.
In
the
morning
when
the
train
stops
and
a
man
calls,
"Kansas
City!
All
change!"
approach
the
conductor
again
and
say,
"Is
this
Kansas
City?"
Don't
be
discouraged
at
his
answer.
Pick
yourself
up
and
go
to
the
other
end
of
the
car
and
say
to
the
brakesman,
"Do
you
know,
sir,
if
this
is
Kansas
City?"
Don't
be
too
easily
convinced.
Remember
that
both
brakesman
and
conductor
may
be
in
collusion
to
deceive
you.
Look
around,
therefore,
for
the
name
of
the
station
on
the
signboard.
Having
found
it,
alight
and
ask
the
first
man
you
see
if
this
is
Kansas
City.
He
will
answer,
"Why,
where
in
blank
are
your
blank
eyes?
Can't
you
see
it
there,
plain
as
blank?"
When
you
hear
language
of
this
sort,
ask
no
more.
You
are
now
in
Kansas
and
this
is
Kansas
City.
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