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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
72
Later:
...
Zoology
on
occasion
still
fires
my
ambition!
Surely
I
cannot
be
dying
yet.
Whatever
misfortune
befalls
me
I
do
hope
I
shall
be
able
to
meet
it
unflinchingly.
I
do
not
fear
ill-health
in
itself,
but
I
do
fear
its
possible
effect
on
my
mind
and
character....
Already
I
am
slowly
altering,
as
the
Lord
liveth.
Already
for
example
my
sympathy
with
myself
is
maudlin.
Whenever
the
blow
shall
fall,
some
sort
of
a
reaction
must
be
given.
Heine
flamed
into
song.
Beethoven
wrote
the
5th
Symphony.
So
what
shall
I
do
when
my
time
comes?
I
don't
think
I
have
any
lyrics
or
symphonies
to
write,
so
I
shall
just
have
to
grin
and
bear
it--like
a
dumb
animal....
As
long
as
I
have
spirit
and
buoyancy
I
don't
care
what
happens--for
I
know
that
or
so
long
I
cannot
be
accounted
a
failure.
The
only
real
failure
is
one
in
which
the
victim
is
left
spiritless,
dazed,
dejected
with
blackness
all
around,
and
within,
a
knife
slowly
and
unrelentingly
cutting
the
strings
of
his
heart.
My
head
whirls
with
conflicting
emotions,
struggling,
desperate
ideas,
and
a
flood
of
impressions
of
all
sorts
of
things
that
are
never
sufficiently
sifted
and
arranged
to
be
caught
down
on
paper.
I
am
brought
into
this
world,
hustled
along
it
and
then
hustled
out
of
it,
with
no
time
for
anything.
I
want
to
be
on
a
great
hill
and
square
up
affairs.
August
28.
...
After
tea,
we
all
three
walked
in
Kensington
Gardens
and
sat
on
a
seat
by
the
Round
Pond.
My
umbrella
fell
to
the
ground,
and
I
left
it
there
with
its
nose
poking
up
in
a
cynical
manner,
as
She
remarked.
Marker
Marker
Fine marker
White-out
Fine white-out
Circle
Paint
Unmarker
Hand
Scalpel
Dice
Sieve
Purify
Undo
Redo
Start over
