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150
Literary Lapses
·
Stephen Leacock
73
3.
I
have
observed
that
it
is
now
the
practice
of
the
conductors
to
stick
bits
of
paper
in
the
hats
of
the
passengers.
They
do
this,
I
believe,
to
mark
which
ones
they
like
best.
The
device
is
pretty,
and
adds
much
to
the
scenic
appearance
of
the
car.
But
I
notice
with
pain
that
the
system
is
fraught
with
much
trouble
for
the
conductors.
The
task
of
crushing
two
or
three
passengers
together,
in
order
to
reach
over
them
and
stick
a
ticket
into
the
chinks
of
a
silk
skull
cap
is
embarrassing
for
a
conductor
of
refined
feelings.
It
would
be
simpler
if
the
conductor
should
carry
a
small
hammer
and
a
packet
of
shingle
nails
and
nail
the
paid-up
passenger
to
the
back
of
the
seat.
Or
better
still,
let
the
conductor
carry
a
small
pot
of
paint
and
a
brush,
and
mark
the
passengers
in
such
a
way
that
he
cannot
easily
mistake
them.
In
the
case
of
bald-headed
passengers,
the
hats
might
be
politely
removed
and
red
crosses
painted
on
the
craniums.
This
will
indicate
that
they
are
bald.
Through
passengers
might
be
distinguished
by
a
complete
coat
of
paint.
In
the
hands
of
a
man
of
taste,
much
might
be
effected
by
a
little
grouping
of
painted
passengers
and
the
leisure
time
of
the
conductor
agreeably
occupied.
4.
I
have
observed
in
travelling
in
the
West
that
the
irregularity
of
railroad
accidents
is
a
fruitful
cause
of
complaint.
The
frequent
disappointment
of
the
holders
of
accident
policy
tickets
on
western
roads
is
leading
to
widespread
protest.
Certainly
the
conditions
of
travel
in
the
West
are
altering
rapidly
and
accidents
can
no
longer
be
relied
upon.
This
is
deeply
to
be
regretted,
in
so
much
as,
apart
from
accidents,
the
tickets
may
be
said
to
be
practically
valueless.
Marker
Marker
Fine marker
White-out
Fine white-out
Circle
Paint
Unmarker
Hand
Scalpel
Dice
Sieve
Purify
Undo
Redo
Start over
