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96
The Inventions of the Idiot
·
John Kendrick Bangs
73
"No?"
said
the
Idiot.
"I
am
surprised.
I
thought
you
intellectuals
absorbed
ideas
more
quickly.
To
deal
in
plain
terms,
since
it
appears
to
be
necessary,
a
plan
which
involves
the
indefinite
extension
of
mortal
life
and
the
elimination
of
bodily
ills
is
not
likely
to
receive
the
hearty
endorsement
of
the
medical
profession.
If
a
man
could
come
home
on
a
stormy
night
and
offset
the
deleterious
effects
of
wet
feet
by
swallowing
an
electric
pill,
one
containing
two
volts,
like
a
two-grain
quinine
pill,
for
instance,
with
greater
certainty
than
one
feels
in
taking
quinine,
your
profession
would
have
to
put
up
the
shutters
and
go
into
some
such
business
as
writing
articles
on
'Measles
as
It
Used
to
Be,'
or
'Disorders
of
the
Ante-Electrical
Period.'
The
fine
part
of
it
all
is
that
we
should
not
have
to
rely
for
our
medicines
upon
the
state
of
the
arsenic
market,
or
the
quinine
supply,
or
the
squill
product
of
the
year.
Electric
sparks
can
be
made
without
number
whether
the
sun
shines
or
not.
The
failure
of
the
Peruvian
Bark
Crop,
or
the
destruction
by
an
early
frost
of
the
Castor
Oil
Wells,
would
cease
to
be
a
hideous
possibility
to
delicate
natures.
They
could
all
fail
for
all
mankind
need
fear,
for
electricity
can
be
generated
when
and
wherever
one
has
need
of
it.
If
your
electric
pills
were
used
up,
and
the
chemist
too
far
away
from
your
house
for
you
to
get
the
supply
replenished
at
the
moment,
you
could
put
on
your
slippers
and
by
walking
up
and
down
your
carpeted
floor
for
ten
or
fifteen
minutes
generate
enough
electricity
to
see
you
through.
Of
course
you'd
have
to
have
a
pair
of
dynamic-storage-reservoir
slippers
to
catch
the
sparks
as
they
flew,
but
I
fancy
they'd
be
less
costly
in
the
long
run
than
the
medicines
we
have
to-day."
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