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150
Literary Lapses
·
Stephen Leacock
77
III.--REMAINS
OF
BOTANY.
Botany
is
the
art
of
plants.
Plants
are
divided
into
trees,
flowers,
and
vegetables.
The
true
botanist
knows
a
tree
as
soon
as
he
sees
it.
He
learns
to
distinguish
it
from
a
vegetable
by
merely
putting
his
ear
to
it.
IV.--REMAINS
OF
NATURAL
SCIENCE.
Natural
Science
treats
of
motion
and
force.
Many
of
its
teachings
remain
as
part
of
an
educated
man's
permanent
equipment
in
life.
Such
are:
(a)
The
harder
you
shove
a
bicycle
the
faster
it
will
go.
This
is
because
of
natural
science.
(b)
If
you
fall
from
a
high
tower,
you
fall
quicker
and
quicker
and
quicker;
a
judicious
selection
of
a
tower
will
ensure
any
rate
of
speed.
(c)
If
you
put
your
thumb
in
between
two
cogs
it
will
go
on
and
on,
until
the
wheels
are
arrested,
by
your
suspenders.
This
is
machinery.
(d)
Electricity
is
of
two
kinds,
positive
and
negative.
The
difference
is,
I
presume,
that
one
kind
comes
a
little
more
expensive,
but
is
more
durable;
the
other
is
a
cheaper
thing,
but
the
moths
get
into
it.
Hoodoo
McFiggin's
Christmas
This
Santa
Claus
business
is
played
out.
It's
a
sneaking,
underhand
method,
and
the
sooner
it's
exposed
the
better.
For
a
parent
to
get
up
under
cover
of
the
darkness
of
night
and
palm
off
a
ten-cent
necktie
on
a
boy
who
had
been
expecting
a
ten-dollar
watch,
and
then
say
that
an
angel
sent
it
to
him,
is
low,
undeniably
low.
I
had
a
good
opportunity
of
observing
how
the
thing
worked
this
Christmas,
in
the
case
of
young
Hoodoo
McFiggin,
the
son
and
heir
of
the
McFiggins,
at
whose
house
I
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