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96
The Inventions of the Idiot
·
John Kendrick Bangs
8
"Splendid
scheme!"
said
the
Doctor.
"So
practical.
Your
brain
must
weigh
half
an
ounce."
"I've
never
had
it
weighed,"
said
the
Idiot,
"but,
I
fancy,
it's
a
good
one.
It's
the
only
one
I
have,
anyhow,
and
it's
done
me
good
service,
and
shows
no
signs
of
softening.
But,
returning
to
the
cooks,
good-nature
is
as
essential
to
the
making
of
a
good
cook
as
are
apples
to
the
making
of
a
dumpling.
You
can't
associate
the
word
dumpling
with
ill-nature,
and
just
as
the
poet
throws
himself
into
his
work,
and
as
he
is
of
a
cheerful
or
a
mournful
disposition,
so
does
his
work
appear
cheerful
or
mournful,
so
do
the
productions
of
a
cook
take
on
the
attributes
of
their
maker.
A
dyspeptic
cook
will
prepare
food
in
a
manner
so
indigestible
that
it
were
ruin
to
partake
of
it.
A
light-hearted
cook
will
make
light
bread;
a
pessimistic
cook
will
serve
flour
bricks
in
lieu
thereof."
"I
think
possibly
you
are
right
when
you
say
that,"
said
the
Doctor.
"I
have
myself
observed
that
the
people
who
sing
at
their
work
do
the
best
work."
"But
the
worst
singing,"
growled
the
School-master.
"That
may
be
true,"
put
in
the
Idiot;
"but
you
cannot
expect
a
cook
on
sixteen
dollars
a
month
to
be
a
prima-donna.
Now,
if
Mr.
Whitechoker
will
undertake
to
start
a
sewing-circle
in
his
church
for
people
who
don't
care
to
wear
clothing,
but
to
sow
the
seeds
of
concord
and
good
cookery
throughout
the
kitchens
of
this
land,
I
am
prepared
to
prophesy
that
at
the
end
of
the
year
there
will
be
more
happiness
and
less
depression
in
this
part
of
the
world;
and
once
eliminate
dyspepsia
from
our
midst,
and
get
civilization
and
happiness
controvertible
terms,
then
you
will
find
your
foreign
missionary
funds
waxing
so
fat
that
instead
of
the
amateur
garments
for
the
heathen
you
now
send
them,
you
will
be
able
to
open
an
account
at
Worth's
and
Poole's
for
every
barbarian
in
creation.
The
scheme
for
the
sewing
on
of
suspender-buttons
and
the
miscellaneous
mending
that
needs
to
be
done
for
lone-lorn
savages
like
myself
might
be
left
in
abeyance
until
the
culinary
scheme
has
been
established.
Bachelors
constitute
a
class,
a
small
class
only,
of
humanity,
but
the
regeneration
of
cooks
is
a
universal
need."
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