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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
86
To-day,
she
was
silent
and
melancholy
but
wonderfully
fascinating.
One
day
I
am
desperate
and
the
next
cold
and
apathetic.
Am
I
in
love?
God
knows!
She
came
to
the
door
to
say
"Good
night,"
and
I
deliberately
strangled
my
desire
to
say
something.
March
9.
In
bed
till
12.30
reading
Bergson
and
the
O.T.
Over
to
the
flat
to
supper.
E----
was
cold
and
silent.
She
spurned
me.
No
wonder.
I
talked
volubly
and
quite
brilliantly
with
the
definite
purpose
of
showing
up
J----'s
somnolence.
I
also
pulled
his
leg.
He
hates
me.
No
wonder.
After
supper,
he
went
in
to
her
studio
and
remained
there
alone
with
her
while
she
worked.
At
11
p.m.
he
was
still
there
when
I
came
away
in
a
whirlwind
of
jealousy,
regrets,
and
rage.
G----
said
he
was
going
to
stay
on
until
he
saw
"the
blighter
off
the
premises."
Neither
of
us
would
go
in
to
turn
him
out.
I
love
her
deeply
and
once
my
heart
jumped
when
I
thought
I
heard
her
coming
into
the
room.
But
it
was
only
P----.
Did
not
see
her
again--even
to
say
"Good-night."
March
10.
Work
in
the
evening
in
our
bedroom--two
poor
miserable
bachelors--H----
reading
Equity
Law,
a
rug
around
his
legs
before
an
empty
grate,
while
I
am
sitting
at
the
table
in
top-coat,
with
collar
up,
and
writing
my
magnum
opus,
which
is
to
bring
me
fame,
fortune
and--E----!
H----
says
that
this
morning
I
was
putting
on
my
shoes
when
he
pointed
out
a
large
hole
in
the
heel
of
my
sock.
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