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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
87
"Damn!
I
shall
have
to
wear
boots,"
I
said--at
least
he
says
I
said
it,
and
I
am
quite
ready
to
believe
him.
Such
unconsciousness
of
self
is
rare
with
me.
March
15.
[At
a
public
dinner
at
the
Holborn
Restaurant]
J----replied
to
the
toast
of
the
Ladies.
Feeble!
H----
and
I
stood
and
had
a
silent
toast
to
E----
and
N----
by
just
winking
one
eye
at
each
other.
He
sat
opposite
me.
If
I
had
been
asked
to
reply
to
this
toast
I
should
have
said
with
the
greatest
gusto,
something
as
follows,--
[Here
follows
the
imaginary
speech
in
full,
composed
the
same
night
before
going
to
sleep.]
Yet
I
am
taken
for
a
soft
fool!
My
manner
is
soft,
self-conscious,
shy.
What
a
lot
of
self-glorification
I
lose
thereby!
What
a
lot
of
self-torture
I
gain
in
its
stead!
March
17.
To-day
went
to
the
B.M.
but
did
very
little
work.
Thought
over
the
matter
carefully
and
decided
to
ask
E----
to
marry
me.
Relief
to
be
able
to
decide.
I
was
happy
too.
Yesterday
P----
came
in
to
us
from
E----'s
studio
and
said,--
"E----
sends
her
love."
"To
whom?"
H----
inquired.
"I
don't
know,"
P----
replied,
smiling
at
me.
March
18.
Had
a
long
conversation
with
H----
last
night.
He
says
all
E----
intended
to
convey
was
that
the
quarrel
was
over....
I
felt
relieved,
because
I
have
no
money,
but--a
large
ambition.
Then
I
am
selfish,
and
have
not
forgotten
that
I
want
to
spend
my
holidays
in
the
Jura,
and
next
year
three
weeks
at
the
Plymouth
Laboratory.
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