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Literary Lapses
·
Stephen Leacock
93
So
I
made
up
my
mind
that
I
would
outwit
this
man
at
his
own
game.
I
let
him
talk
straight
ahead
and
encouraged
him
all
I
could,
until
he
finally
left
me
with
a
sheet
of
questions
which
I
was
to
answer
as
an
applicant.
Now
this
was
what
I
was
waiting
for;
I
had
decided
that,
if
that
company
wanted
information
about
me,
they
should
have
it,
and
have
the
very
best
quality
I
could
supply.
So
I
spread
the
sheet
of
questions
before
me,
and
drew
up
a
set
of
answers
for
them,
which,
I
hoped,
would
settle
for
ever
all
doubts
as
to
my
eligibility
for
insurance.
Question.--What
is
your
age?
Answer.--I
can't
think.
Q.--What
is
your
chest
measurement?
A.--Nineteen
inches.
Q.--What
is
your
chest
expansion?
A.--Half
an
inch.
Q.--What
is
your
height?
A.--Six
feet
five,
if
erect,
but
less
when
I
walk
on
all
fours.
Q.--Is
your
grandfather
dead?
A.--Practically.
Q.--Cause
of
death,
if
dead?
A.--Dipsomania,
if
dead.
Q.--Is
your
father
dead?
A.--To
the
world.
Q.--Cause
of
death?
A.--Hydrophobia.
Q.--Place
of
father's
residence?
A.--Kentucky.
Q.--What
illness
have
you
had?
A.--As
a
child,
consumption,
leprosy,
and
water
on
the
knee.
As
a
man,
whooping-cough,
stomach-ache,
and
water
on
the
brain.
Q.--Have
you
any
brothers?
A.--Thirteen;
all
nearly
dead.
Q.--Are
you
aware
of
any
habits
or
tendencies
which
might
be
expected
to
shorten
your
life?
A.--I
am
aware.
I
drink,
I
smoke,
I
take
morphine
and
vaseline.
I
swallow
grape
seeds
and
I
hate
exercise.
I
thought
when
I
had
come
to
the
end
of
that
list
that
I
had
made
a
dead
sure
thing
of
it,
and
I
posted
the
paper
with
a
cheque
for
three
months'
payment,
feeling
pretty
confident
of
having
the
cheque
sent
back
to
me.
I
was
a
good
deal
surprised
a
few
days
later
to
receive
the
following
letter
from
the
company:
Marker
Marker
Fine marker
White-out
Fine white-out
Circle
Paint
Unmarker
Hand
Scalpel
Dice
Sieve
Purify
Undo
Redo
Start over
