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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
95
It
was
a
strange
metempsychosis.
Yet
of
a
truth
it
is
no
use
being
niggardly
over
our
lives.
We
are
all
of
us
"shelling
out."
And
we
can
afford
to
be
generous,
for
we
shall
all--some
early,
some
late--be
bankrupt
in
the
end.
For
my
part,
I've
had
a
short
and
boisterous
voyage
and
shan't
be
sorry
to
get
into
port.
I
give
up
all
my
plans,
all
my
hopes,
all
my
loves
and
enthusiasms
without
remonstrance.
I
renounce
all--I
myself
am
already
really
dead.
May
30.
Last
night
the
sea
was
as
flat
as
a
pavement,
a
pretty
barque
with
all
her
sails
out
to
catch
the
smallest
puff
of
wind--the
tiniest
inspiration--was
nevertheless
without
motion--a
painted
ship
on
a
tapestry
of
violet.
H----
Hill
was
an
immense
angular
mass
of
indigo
blue.
Even
rowing
boats
made
little
progress
and
the
water
came
off
the
languid
paddles
in
syrupy
clots.
Everything
was
utterly
still,
the
air
thick--like
cottonwool
to
the
touch
and
very
stifling;
vitality
in
living
things
leaked
away
under
a
sensuous
lotus
influence.
Intermittently
after
the
darkness
had
come,
Bullpoint
Lighthouse
shone
like
the
wink
of
a
lascivious
eye.
Pottering
about
all
day
on
the
Pier
and
Front,
listening
to
other
people's
talk,
catching
snippets
of
conversation--not
edifying.
If
there
were
seven
wise
men
in
the
town,
I
would
not
save
it.
Damn
the
place!
May
31.
...
I
espied
her
first
in
the
distance
and
turned
my
head
away
quickly
and
looked
out
to
sea.
A
moment
after,
I
began
to
turn
my
head
round
again
slowly
with
the
cautiousness
and
air
of
suspicion
of
a
Tortoise
poking
its
head
out
from
underneath
his
shell.
I
was
terrified
to
discover
that
in
the
meantime
she
had
come
and
sat
down
on
the
seat
immediately
behind
me
with
her
back
to
mine.
We
sat
like
this
back
to
back
for
some
time
and
I
enjoyed
the
novel
experience
and
the
tension.
A
few
years
ago,
the
bare
sight
of
her
gave
me
palpitation
of
the
heart,
and,
on
the
first
occasion
that
I
had
the
courage
to
stop
to
speak,
I
felt
livid
and
the
skin
on
my
face
twitched
uncontrollably.
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