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349
The Journal of a Disappointed Man
·
W. N. P. Barbellion
98
They
continued
slow,
laborious
efforts
to
overcome
the
secret
difficulty.
But
these
gradually
slackened
and
finally
ceased.
One
massive
man
after
another
abandoned
his
post
in
order
to
lean
over
the
rails
and
gaze
like
a
mystic
into
the
depths
of
the
sea.
No
one
spoke.
No
one
saw
anything
not
even
in
the
depths
of
the
sea.
One
spat,
and
with
round,
sad
eyes
contemplated
the
trajectory
of
his
brown
bolus
(he
had
been
chewing)
in
its
descent
into
the
water.
The
foreman,
an
original
thinker,
lit
a
cigarette,
which
relieved
the
tension.
Then,
slowly
and
with
majesty,
he
turned
on
his
heel,
and
walked
away.
With
the
sudden
eclipse
of
the
foreman's
interest,
the
incident
closed.
I
should
have
been
scarcely
surprised
to
find
him
behind
the
Harbour-master's
Office
playing
"Shove-ha'penny"
or
skittles
with
the
pile
still
swinging
in
mid-air....
After
all
it
was
only
a
bloody
pile.
June
11.
Depression
Suffering
from
depression....
The
melancholy
fit
fell
very
suddenly.
All
the
colour
went
out
of
my
life,
the
world
was
dirty
gray.
On
the
way
back
to
my
hotel
caught
sight
of
H----,
jumping
into
a
cab,
after
a
visit
to
S----
Sands.
But
the
sight
of
him
aroused
no
desire
in
me
to
shout
or
wave.
I
merely
wondered
how
on
earth
he
could
have
spent
a
happy
day
at
such
a
Sandy
place.
On
arriving
at
----,
sank
deeper
into
my
morass.
It
suffocated
me
to
find
the
old
familiar
landmarks
coming
into
view
...
the
holiday-makers
along
the
streets
how
I
hated
them--the
Peg
Top
Hill
how
desolate--all
as
before--how
dull.
The
very
fact
that
they
were
all
there
as
before
in
the
morning
nauseated
me.
The
sea-coast
here
is
magnificent,
the
town
is
pretty--I
know
that,
of
course.
But
all
looked
dreary
and
cheerless--just
the
sort
of
feeling
one
gets
on
entering
an
empty
house
with
no
fire
on
a
winter's
day
and
nowhere
to
sit
down....
I
felt
as
lonely
and
desolate
as
a
man
suddenly
fallen
from
the
clouds
into
an
unknown
town
on
the
Antarctic
Continent
built
of
ice
and
inhabited
by
Penguins.
Who
are
these
people?
I
asked
myself
irritably.
There
perhaps
on
the
other
side
of
the
street
was
my
own
brother.
But
I
was
not
even
faintly
interested
and
told
the
cabman
to
drive
on.
The
spray
from
the
sea
fogged
my
spectacles
and
made
me
weary.
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