Literary Lapses

So I made up my mind that I would outwit this man at his own game. I let him talk straight ahead and encouraged him all I could, until he finally left me with a sheet of questions which I was to answer as an applicant. Now this was what I was waiting for; I had decided that, if that company wanted information about me, they should have it, and have the very best quality I could supply. So I spread the sheet of questions before me, and drew up a set of answers for them, which, I hoped, would settle for ever all doubts as to my eligibility for insurance. Question.--What is your age? Answer.--I can't think. Q.--What is your chest measurement? A.--Nineteen inches. Q.--What is your chest expansion? A.--Half an inch. Q.--What is your height? A.--Six feet five, if erect, but less when I walk on all fours. Q.--Is your grandfather dead? A.--Practically. Q.--Cause of death, if dead? A.--Dipsomania, if dead. Q.--Is your father dead? A.--To the world. Q.--Cause of death? A.--Hydrophobia. Q.--Place of father's residence? A.--Kentucky. Q.--What illness have you had? A.--As a child, consumption, leprosy, and water on the knee. As a man, whooping-cough, stomach-ache, and water on the brain. Q.--Have you any brothers? A.--Thirteen; all nearly dead. Q.--Are you aware of any habits or tendencies which might be expected to shorten your life? A.--I am aware. I drink, I smoke, I take morphine and vaseline. I swallow grape seeds and I hate exercise. I thought when I had come to the end of that list that I had made a dead sure thing of it, and I posted the paper with a cheque for three months' payment, feeling pretty confident of having the cheque sent back to me. I was a good deal surprised a few days later to receive the following letter from the company: