Perfect Behavior: A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in All Social Crises

At three-thirty you and he are dressed in cutaways and promptly at three-forty-two you arrive at the church. You are ushered into a little side room where it is your duty to sit with the corpse for the few brief hours which elapse between three-forty-five and four o’clock. Occasionally he stirs and a faint spark of life seems to struggle in his sunken eyes. His lips move feebly. You bend over to catch his dying words. “Have— you— got— the ring?” he whispers. “Yes,” you reply. “Everything’s fine. You look great, too, old man.” The sound of the organ reaches your ears. The groom groans. “Have you got the ring?” he says. Meanwhile the ushers have been performing their duty of showing the invited guests to the various pews. A correctly trained usher will always have ready some cheery word or sprightly bit of conversation to make the guests feel perfectly at home as he conducts them to their seats. “It’s a nice day, isn’t it?” is suggested as a perfectly safe and yet not too unusual topic of conversation. This can be varied by remarking, “Isn’t it a nice day?” or in some cases, where you do not wish to appear too forward, “Is it a nice day, or isn’t it?” An usher should also remember that although he has on a cutaway, he is neither a floor-walker nor a bond salesman, and remarks such as “Something in a dotted Swiss?” or “Third aisle over— second pew— next the ribbon goods,” are decidedly non au fait.