Perfect Behavior: A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in All Social Crises

The correct way to meet the above situation is based on the fundamental rule of all social etiquette— common sense. Return the lady’s kiss in an easy, natural manner and pass on. If she follows you, lead her at once to a quiet unoccupied corner of the club and knock her over the head with a chair or some other convenient implement. It has been found that this is the only effective way to deal with this type of woman and it is really only a kindness to her and her husband to keep her from embarrassing you with her attentions during the rest of the evening. After you have removed your coat, you should go to the ball room where you will find the dance in full swing— full being of course used in its common or alcoholic sense. Take your place in the stag line and don’t, under any circumstances, allow anyone to induce you to cut in on any of the dancers. In the first place, you won’t be able to dance because Dry Agents, like Englishmen, never can; secondly, if you try to dance, you are taking the enormous chance, especially at a masquerade, that the man who introduced you to your partner will disappear for the rest of the evening, leaving you with Somebody’s Albatross hanging around your neck. And, of all Albatrosses, the married one is perhaps farthest South— especially if she happens to be a little tight and wants to talk about her husband and children.