The Inventions of the Idiot

"It is a great scheme," said the Doctor. "It is!" said the Idiot, "and I venture to say that a course of, say, twelve social functions given in that way would prove so popular that the Garden would turn away every night twice as many people as it could accommodate." "It would be instructive, no doubt," said the Bibliomaniac; "but how would it expand society? Would you have examinations?" "Most assuredly," said the Idiot. "At the end of the season I should have a rigid examination of all who chose to apply. I would make them dine in the presence of a committee of expert diners, I would have them pass a searching examination in the Art of Wearing a Dress Suit, in the Science of Entering a Drawing-room, in the Art of Behavior at Afternoon Teas, and all the men who applied should also be compelled to pass a physical examination as an assurance that they were equal to the task of getting an ice for a young lady at a ball." "Society would get to be too inclusive and would cease to be exclusive," suggested Mr. Whitechoker. "I think not," said the Idiot. "I should not give a man or a woman the degree of B.S. unless he or she had passed an examination of one hundred per cent." "B.S.?" queried Mr. Pedagog. "Yes," returned the Idiot. "Bachelor of Society--a degree which, once earned, should entitle one to recognition as a member of the upper ten anywhere in Christendom."