The Inventions of the Idiot

"You ought to write a Manual for Beggars," said the Bibliomaniac. "I have no doubt that the Idiot Publishing Company would publish it." "Yes," said Mr. Pedagog. "A sort of beggar's Don't, for instance. It would be a benefit to all men, as well as a boon to the beggars. That mendicancy is a profession to-day there is no denying, and anything which could make of it a polite calling would be of inestimable value." "I have had it in mind for some time," said the Idiot, blandly. "I intended to call it Mendicancy Made Easy, or the Beggar's Don't: With Two Chapters on Etiquette for Tramps." "The chief trouble with such a book I should think," said the Poet, "would be that your beggars and tramps could not afford to buy it." "That wouldn't interfere with its circulation," returned the Idiot. "It's a poor tramp who can't steal. Every suburban resident in creation would buy a copy of the book out of sheer curiosity. I'd get my royalties from them; the tramps could get the books by helping themselves to the suburbanites' copies as they do to chickens, fire-wood, and pies put out to cool. As for the beggars, I'd have it put into their hands by the people they beg from. When a man comes up to a wayfarer, for instance, and says, 'Excuse me, sir, but could you spare a nickel to a hungry man?' I'd have the wayfarer say, 'Excuse me, sir, but unfortunately I have left my nickels in my other vest; but here is a copy of the Idiot's Mendicancy Made Easy, or the Beggar's Don't.'"