The Journal of a Disappointed Man

I then returned to the Museum intending to find out what ---- ---- was in Clifford Allbutt's System of Medicine. I wondered whether it was brain or heart; and the very thought gave me palpitation. I hope it is heart--something short and sharp rather than lingering. But I believe it must be ---- of the brain, the opposite process of softening occurring in old age. I recall M----'s words to me before geting married: that I had this "nerve weakness," but I was more likely to succumb to pneumonia than to any nervous trouble, and that only 12 months' happiness would be worth while. On the whole I am amazed at the calm way in which I take this news. I was a fool never to have suspected serious nerve trouble before. Does dear E---- know? What did M---- tell her when he saw her before our marriage? November 28. As soon as I woke up in this clear, country air this morning, I thought: ---- ----. I have decided never to find out what it is. I shall find out in good time by the course of events. A few years ago, the news would have scared me. But not so now. It only interests me. I have been happy, merry, and quite high-spirited to-day. December 5. I believe it's creeping paralysis. My left leg goes lame after a short walk. Fortunately E---- does not take alarm. December 17. Spent the last two days, both of us, in a state of unrelieved gloom. The clouds never lifted for a moment--it's awful. I scarcely have spoken a word.... And eugenically, what kind of an infant would even a Mark Tapley expect of a father with a medical history like mine, and a mother with a nervous system like hers?... Could anything be more unfortunate? And the War? What may not have happened by this time next year? My health is grotesque.