The Journal of a Disappointed Man

November 27. ... I wish I could die of heart failure--and at once! What a luxury that would be as compared with my present prospect! A Tomtit on the fence this morning made me dissolve in tears:--self-pity I believe. I remember Tomtits in ----shire. Put on a gramophone record and--ugh! but I'm too sick to write. November 28. The shock I gave my spinal column in 1915 up in the Lakes undoubtedly re-awakened activity among the bacteria. Luck for you! I, of all persons to concuss my spine!! ... I listen to the kettle singing, I look at the pictures in the fire, read a bit, ask what time it is, see the Baby "topped and tailed," yawn, blow my nose, put on a gramophone record--I have the idea of passing on the midnight with no pain to the tune of some healing ragtime. November 29. The anniversary of our engagement day two years ago. How mad the idea of marriage seemed to me--and my instinct was right: if only I had known! Yet she says she does not regret anything. This morning I turned to read with avidity accounts of the last hours of Keats, Gibbon, Oscar Wilde and Baudelaire. I gained astonishing comfort out of this, especially in the last ... who died of G.P.I. in a Brussels Hospital. E---- is awfully courageous and,--as usual ready to do everything in her power. How can I ever express sufficient gratitude to these two dear women (and my wife, above all) for casting in their lot knowingly with mine?