The Journal of a Disappointed Man

"Damn! I shall have to wear boots," I said--at least he says I said it, and I am quite ready to believe him. Such unconsciousness of self is rare with me. March 15. [At a public dinner at the Holborn Restaurant] J----replied to the toast of the Ladies. Feeble! H---- and I stood and had a silent toast to E---- and N---- by just winking one eye at each other. He sat opposite me. If I had been asked to reply to this toast I should have said with the greatest gusto, something as follows,-- [Here follows the imaginary speech in full, composed the same night before going to sleep.] Yet I am taken for a soft fool! My manner is soft, self-conscious, shy. What a lot of self-glorification I lose thereby! What a lot of self-torture I gain in its stead! March 17. To-day went to the B.M. but did very little work. Thought over the matter carefully and decided to ask E---- to marry me. Relief to be able to decide. I was happy too. Yesterday P---- came in to us from E----'s studio and said,-- "E---- sends her love." "To whom?" H---- inquired. "I don't know," P---- replied, smiling at me. March 18. Had a long conversation with H---- last night. He says all E---- intended to convey was that the quarrel was over.... I felt relieved, because I have no money, but--a large ambition. Then I am selfish, and have not forgotten that I want to spend my holidays in the Jura, and next year three weeks at the Plymouth Laboratory.