Perfect Behavior: A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in All Social Crises

STEWART’S LIGHTNING CALCULATOR OF DINNER TABLE CONVERSATION This chart divides the dinner into its various courses, and under each course is given what I call an “opening sentence,” together with your partner’s probable reply and the topic which is then introduced for discussion. And, most valuable of all, under each such topic I have listed certain helpful facts which will enable you to prolong the conversation along those lines until the arrival of the next course, and the consequent opening of another field for discussion. The chart follows: I. Cocktails. You say to the partner on your right: “What terrible gin!” She (he) replies: “Perfectly ghastly.” This leads to a discussion of: Some Aspects of Alcohol. Helpful Facts: 1. An oyster soaked in alcohol becomes quite rigid in eleven minutes. 2. Senator Volstead was born Sept. 4, 1869. 3. Alcohol, if taken in too great quantities, often produces internal disorders. II. Oysters. You say to the partner on your right: “Think of being an oyster!” She (he) replies: “How perfectly ghastly.” This leads to a discussion of: Home Life of Oysters. Helpful Facts: 1. The average life of an oyster is 38 days, 11 hours. 2. Polygamy is practised among certain classes of oysters. 3. The first oyster was eaten by Ossip Gatch, a Pole (d. 1783). III. Fish. You say to the partner at your right: “Do you enjoy fish?” She (he) replies: “I simply adore fish.” This leads to a discussion of: Fish— Then, and Now. Helpful Facts: 1. Fish make notoriously bad pets, whereas seals can be taught to do many novel tricks.