Perfect Behavior: A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in All Social Crises

Once inside your “bunk” you should drift quickly off to slumberland, and when you wake up it will be five minutes later and the— ———engineer will be trying to see what he can do with an air brake and a few steel sleeping cars. In the morning you will be in New York. CHAPTER FOUR: AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA In order to listen to music intelligently— or what is really much more important— in order to give the appearance of listening to music intelligently, it is necessary for the novice to master thoroughly two fundamental facts. The first, and most important of these, is that the letter “w” in Russian is pronounced like “v”; the second, that Rachmaninoff has a daughter at Vassar. Not very difficult, surely— but it is remarkable how much enjoyment one can get out of music by the simple use of these two formulas. With a little practise in their use, the veriest tyro can bewilder her escort even though she be herself so musically uninformed as to think that the celeste is only used in connection with Aïda, or that a minor triad is perhaps a young wood nymph. One other important fundamental is that enthusiasm should never be expressed for any music written after 1870; by a careful observance of this rule one will constantly experience that delightful satisfaction which comes with finding one’s opinions shared by the music critics in the daily press. Chivalry or the Instinct of Self-Preservation? A Fine Point The young lady in the picture has just laid out a perfect drive. She had, unfortunately, neglected to wait until the gentleman playing ahead of her had progressed more than fifteen yards down the fairway, and her ball, traveling at a velocity of 1675 f.s., has caught the gentleman squarely in the half-pint bottle. What mistake, if any, is the gentleman making in chasing her off the course with his niblick, if we assume that she called “Fore!” when the ball had attained to within three feet of the gentleman?