Perfect Behavior: A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in All Social Crises

At the conclusion of the first number the proper remark is “hmmm,” accompanied by a slow shake of the head. After this you may use any one of a number of remarks, as for example, “Well, I suppose Mendelssohn appeals to a great many people,” or “That was meaningless enough to have been written by a Russian.” This latter is to be preferred, for it leads your companion to say, “But don’t you like TschaiKOWsky?”, pronouncing the second syllable as if the composer were a female bull. You can then reply, “Why, yes, TschaiKOFFsky did write some rather good music— although it’s all neurotic and obviously Teutonic.” Don’t fail to stress the “v.” The next number on the program will probably be the soloist— say, a coloratura soprano. Your first remark should be that you don’t really care for the human voice— the reason being, of course, that symphonic Music, ABSOLUTE music, has spoiled you for things like vocal gymnastics. This leads your bewildered friend to ask you what sort of soloist you prefer. Ans.— Why, a piano concerto, of course. Ques.— And who is your favorite pianist? Ans.— Rachmaninoff. And then, before the boy has time to breathe —SHOOT! “Did you knoow that he has a daughter at Vassar?” Although not necessary, it might be well to finish off the poor fellow at the end of the concert with one or two well placed depth bombs. My own particular favorite for this is the following, accompanied by a low sigh: “After all— Beethoven IS Beethoven.”