Perfect Behavior: A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in All Social Crises

As you are probably (next to Mr. and Mrs. Watts) the worst “bridge” player in the room it should be your duty to make up for this deficiency by keeping the other three players conversationally stimulated, for nothing so enlivens a game of “bridge” as a young man or woman with a pleasing personality and a gift for “small talk.” Thus, at the very beginning, after you have finished dealing the cards, you should fill in what seems to you an embarrassing pause by telling one of your cleverest stories, at the conclusion of which Mrs. Dollings will remark, “We are waiting for your bid, Mr. S——.” The etiquette of “bidding,” as far as you are concerned, should resolve itself into a consistent effort on your part to become “dummy” for each and every game. The minute your partner (Mrs. Dollings) bids anything, it should be your duty as a gentleman to see that she gets it, no matter what the cost. Thus, on the first hand, you “pass.” Mr. Watts then says, “Wait a minute, till I get these cards fixed”; to which Mrs. Watts replies, “Theodore, for Heaven’s sake, how long do you want?” Mr. Watts then says, “Which is higher— clubs or hearts?” to which Mrs. Watts replies, “Clubs.” Mrs. Dollings then says, “I beg your pardon, but hearts have always been considered higher than clubs.” Mrs. Watts says, “Oh, yes, of course,” and gives Mr. Watts a mean look. Mr. Watts then says, “I bid— let’s see— I bid two spades— no, two diamonds.” Mrs. Dollings quickly says, “Two lilies,” Mr. Watts says, “What’s a lily?” to which Mrs. Watts replies, “Theodore!” and then bids “Two spades,” at which Mrs. Dollings says, “I beg your pardon, but I have just bid two spades.” Mr. Watts then chuckles, and Mrs. Watts says (but not to Mr. Watts), “I beg your pardon.” Mrs. Watts then bids “Three spades,” at which you quickly say, “Four spades.”